I Know I’m Dating You, But I Kinda Want Your Friend #LadiesRoom

Maybe I am the only one that this has happened to, but it seems to happen a lot. I’ve noticed that when meeting someone I am attracted to physically; I tend to be attracted to their friend mentally. I know that sounds horrible. Yet, this has been my current run with men. Everyone knows about the “dynamic duo.” The two friends that are always around each other and you end up spending just as much time with the friend as you do the guy you are dating. Sometimes to the point that you hang out with their friend alone because you know that you will never cross that line. Well… The last guy that I dated, I met on Twitter. Online he was amazingly funny and quick with responses. Yet when I met him…He barely uttered more than 5-10 words at a time. He tried to be funny but it just came out corny more than anything else. I felt that this couldn’t possibly be the guy that I communicated with online. Time pressed on and we hung out for a while (well…something like a year) and I have always said that habit is stronger than love. I was so used to being around him I looked past the fact that he acted nothing like the guy online. After about a month or so he introduced me to his friend. Now the friend was not only attractive but hilarious. I felt like I knew him the moment we met. We laughed and we joked and had great conversation. THIS guy…This was the one that I expected his friend to be. I found myself having fantasies about his friend and I felt horrible about it. It wasn’t until months later that I found out that his friend was actually the one that corresponded with me via Twitter and it all made sense.

 Recently, I met another online friend at an event that I attended. When I introduced myself he wasn’t a man of many words and I let it be. I also happened to meet his friend, who wasn’t as reserved. His friend was a “pouncer” (the guy that sees what he wants and goes for it.) While, I am normally intimidated by guys that chase me, I entertained it. Though, I know that nothing else will come of this relationship, his friend has become very dear to me. So dear that I find myself attracted and while I may mean more to him than I ever will to his friend…I can’t entertain it. We have great conversation and When he communicates with me I smile, a lot. Yet I know that I need to stop.

So there you have it, I am the girl that falls for the guy friend of the guy I am dating/sleeping with. Am I the only one out here that does ratchet shit like this? I need to know. If you’ve been there what do you do besides the obvious “don’t do anything”?

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Why do we have to justify #GoodSex with #LOVE ?

Yesterday @TokyoTwilighter went off on a short rant about a former friend that is a well-known female for having ‘been deflowered by many gentlemen’ This ho usually justifies her behavior as ‘he cares about me’, ‘we are good friends’, ‘he always helps me out’ blah blah blah… notice how the words #LOVE #Relationship #Happy do not come up.

Why do so many women feel the need to justify a good night (or morning or afternoon) of sex by turning it into something it will never be?

CHRISTIAN GUILT

They grew up in a devout household that dictates ‘no sex until marriage’ and their internal ‘waiting for honeymoon’ virgin is screaming hail marys to remove the ‘heinous’ act from their pure soul.  “Oh SHIT, I went home with a guy that I am not in love with and would never get married to and now I’m going to go to hell.  Let me try and make myself love him.”  You can’t turn an orange into a basketball and you can’t make ‘what was your name again?’ into the ‘one and only’.

GOOD GIRL COMPLEX

They have listened to too many guys go on about the ‘good girl’ that stays out of the club, goes to church, only drinks on occasion and would NEVER have a meaningless one night stand of mind blowing sex and sexual freedom.  “We are friends, and he takes good care of me.”  Right, he took good care of you in bed that one night which definitely means he is going to be there when you need help taking care of things like bills, your car or lifting heavy furniture.

BELIEF IN FAIRY GODMOTHERS

They still think we can wave a wand and turn the frog into prince charming, the friend into a boyfriend and the pumpkin in to a chariot.  Crushing on a guy friend is a hard situation to be in, but realizing he slept with you just for the sex and not because he feels the way you do is confidence shattering.  “It was one time and he was confused afterwards about our status.”  Uh huh, he was certainly confused about how come you were still in the bed and not out the door.  Things that are meant to be will be so stop sprinkling pixie dust on your sex partners while they sleep, if they’re meant to be more they will be.

LONELINESS

They want the attention of the man, a man, every man because their father, brother, uncle, ex bf, other important male figure didn’t give them enough time or kisses and now they’re seeking it every which way they can.  “He really cares about me.”  The arms of a man around you may be a comforting feeling that you didn’t get enough of growing up, but changing those set of arms as often as you change your sheets just means you need a teddy bear or a shrink that gives bear hugs.

+Love is the self-delusion we manufacture to justify the trouble we take to have sex.+ Daniel S. Greenberg

Before you get physical with a man figure out if you’re doing it for the physical pleasure, #Emotional release or to fill that ’empty gaping hole’ #pause #inYourSoul

Sensitive Thugs Need Hugs #LadiesRoom (RANT)

We’ve all come in contact with him, we may not know it at first sight…Hell we may not know it until that ONE day that he turns into a straight up female!  Now dont misinterpret who I am talking about.  A man who shows his feelings and is emotional is fine with me.  Be comfortable with who you are.  The guy I am talking about is the one that tries to play this “Every-girl-wants-me-everybody-is-against-me” role.  The one that when he starts to talk about his “problems” (which usually consist of finding a girl who will drive him around) you just want to punch him in the nuts. 

Now look, am I guilty of entertaining this character of a man? Sure am.  Have I recently? No.  I am so tired of this behavior becoming acceptable.  Men should not cry like a little baby bitch when they don’t get their way.  Accept your loss and keep it moving!  Shit happens in life, what makes your problems anymore important than any other person?  ABSOLUTLEY NOTHING!  I recently celebrated my 27th birthday and right before 12am midnight…I received a call from a guy that I have been dating for over a year and a half.  Now in my head I figured that he wanted to talk to me until 12am to be the first to wish me a happy birthday.  Hell maybe he was calling to tell me he was coming over to see me personally since he has to pass my house on his way from work everyday and he was leaving to go out-of-town the next day.  He asked how my day was and I had a bad day so I didn’t want to talk about it.  He then asked how my parents were and since they were part of the problem I once again didn’t want to talk about it.  Now any other person in this world would have changed the subject and stated to talk about what my birthday plans were or what I was doing for Thanksgiving….Ahhh but not these sensitive thugs…Noooo not them.  They take everything personally.  What followed was the last argument I had during my 26th year.  He stated that I always treated him like this.  That I never wanted to talk about anything with him and that he can take a hint.  Now notice what he did here… He took something that had NOTHING to do with him and he turned himself into the victim.  I cried like a baby after getting off of the phone because I felt that maybe I was wrong for not wanting to divulge the details on what made my day so bad, but that isnt who I AM.  I am the type of the person that goes through things and lets them go because I don’t see the use in dwelling in them.  I havent spoken to him in a week now.  I havent lost any sleep either so I am assuming that I am fine.

On Thanksgiving I was home all day reading.  At one point I put the book down and looked at my phone to see a name that I missed in my phone.  I couldn’t quite remember why we stopped talking but we exchanged a few text here and there and then there it was…The proof that this was a cry baby bitch… “I must have not been your type because you threw me to the side.”  Now I don’t know what men expect when they send these “woe-is-me” text messages but if I am the recipient, you are either going to get the truth or you are going to get ignored.  In this case, I entertained it.  I responded back with, “aw why do you say that?”  As if he had his message pre-typed I get, “You never called me to hang out and I waited for you.  I wanted to be your man.”  I promise you I dropped the phone and remembered why we stopped talking.  I need a man who has an identity outside of me.  Someone that doesn’t rely on me for his worth.  A man with self-worth would not send a female a damsel in distress text.  Want to know why?  Because he has things to do with his life.  He isnt sitting around waiting on me to be ready for a relationship.  I know some of you reading this and thinking “this is why you’re single.”  While that may be your opinion.  I know what I want and a damsel in distress is NOT what I want.

This is what I want to know; When did men get so damn sensitive and needy?? I remember when I would get mad a my significant other not being able to answer the phone and I remember when I would kick and scream because I was convinced they were cheating.  Now, I see men kicking and screaming.  WHAT HAPPENED!?

If you are a male and ever sent these text you may need to evaluate your masculinity:

“Oh so you ignoring me right now?” (yes, and after this text, expect it to last a while)

“I called you” (as if I cannot see a Missed Call)

“Why you always busy?” (I have a life that does not revolve around you as it’s axis)

“I can take a hint.” ( Son, if I am busy I cannot respond.  Simmer down!)

#ITastedYou #inMyMouth today

I tasted you in my mouth today.  I was typing on the computer doing tedious data input and I took a breath in, well actually almost sorta hiccuped and then I swallowed real quick and then… well there you were…. #inMyMouth

I tasted you in the back of my throat, around my tongue, on mylips. 

I licked my lips and then I tasted you again on my mouth. 

From the moment that flavor spread from corner to corner of the crevices in my mouth, I knew I was tasting you again.  It wasn’t any particular flavor, it wasn’t a good or bad memory.  I didn’t think back to our first kiss or kissing deep while you took me on your bed that night after your game.  I didn’t think of anything but the taste of you.  All I could remember was that taste… not the touch, not the eyes, not the skin, not your eyelashes tangled in mine, Just you #inMyMouth. 

Today #iTastedYou #inMyMouth again and for a moment I wanted you near my mouth.

Lookin’ Ass #tellemwhyyoumad

Disclaimer: I have a lot of Japanese girlfriends who date Black men. Some of whom probably won’t like what I’m about to say. But as my mom always tells me, “if it doesn’t apply to you then don’t take it personal.”

Now that we got that out of the way, let me get to the subject at hand.

I usually speak to Black folks I come across. Not always a verbal greeting but a glance, a head nod or a generic smile simply based on the color of that person’s skin. Yes, yes I do. But on the occasion that my greeting happens to be toward a Black man who is with a Japanese girl who looks like she just stepped out of a Nelly video…there almost always seems to be a problem with this acknowledgement.

This particular type of Japanese chick kills me because she is so busy eyeing me and what I’m doing that she can’t keep up with her man.  And while I’m arrogant enough to believe that I could probably have him if I wanted him, my glance or silent greeting is not intended to be a come on to her beau. It is born of a mutual respect that we are two Black people living in a foreign land and a sista just wants to say “What’s up.”  Period. Now this type of insecurity can be seen anywhere in the world but I’m in Japan at the moment so I’m going to address it from my current viewpoint.

You know the type of woman I’m talking about right? She’s the one sportin’ the latest Apple Bottom jeans and boots with the fur. She might even been seen wearing sunglasses in the club while performing the choreography from Ciara’s Ride video. This is the same chick who you have probably heard saying how much she’d love to have a half Black baby because they are so “kawaii” (cute).  She most likely speaks English with a little slang or even say the “N” word a time or two because her Beau thinks it’s cute.

I, on the other hand, do not think any part of it is cute and view it as a poor imitation of Black women and Black culture. As I said before, these types of girls exist in every non-Black culture. One of my good friends (who is White) calls White girls who act this way “Yo Girls”.  I think the term transfers quite nicely to the Japanese version as well.

Since there seems to be a bit of confusion, I’d like to share a little insight with the J-Style Yo Girls.

Here is @ebonifiyah’s list of 5 Things That Do NOT Make You a Black Girl:

  1. Dating a Black guy. Congratulations. Welcome to the club.  I’ve dated a bunch of them too! Keeping their wandering eyes occupied can be a full time job so I suggest you stop worrying about what I’m doing and work on keeping him happy.
  2. Having Sex With a Black guy. Please make a note: This is completely different from #1. I understand that your dating experiences may be limited so here’s a word to the (not so) wise…temporarily having a little Black in you does not by association make you Black.
  3. Overly Aggressive Make-up. We all need a little color in the winter but honey ease up on the stage make-up. The bronzing powder/tanning beds aren’t doing anything but making you look orange. The extra face you put on each day only confuses that poor man when you wake up looking completely different than the person he laid down with.
  4. Memorizing the Latest Videos.  I’ll admit it, having a bit of rhythm and possessing the ability to “hit your dougie” is impressive. Putting on a full show with your homegirls is fun but even your skill at “getting low” does not give you a Black card. Nope.
  5. Giving Birth to a Half Black Baby. I have repeatedly heard you all remark about how cute mixed babies are and that you’d love to have one but trust me, some extremely tough times come with all that cuteness. Motherhood will assuredly change life as you know it and the responsibility to teach a bi-racial child about their whole heritage is not something to be taken lightly. Caring for skin and hair that is remarkably different from yours, possible rejection from your friends and family, becoming a single mother (‘cause let’s be honest…some of the dudes you date won’t be around when it’s time to push) and dealing with a kid who may grow to have identity issues are just a few of the not so fun things about the brown baby you think is so cute.

Your Application Has Been DENIED

A fake ass orange-bronze tan, poom poom shorts and butt panties will never EVER make you a Black girl. #believethat

#DomesticViolence #YouDeserveBetter

 

Stand Against Domestic Violence

 

You deserve better

I read @SLOWLYbtngU ‘s post and partially in response and partially because of an event coming up this weekend I felt compelled to reply.  In Japan (even more so than the US) there is very little cultural, professional or community support for men, women and children who are a part of domestic violence.

What to do when you are in this situation?

You’ve put off talking about, writing about, and getting help with your survival/escape plan for as long as possible.  You can admit it.  You’ve done the absolute minimal needed to forget that you were on the outs of what was and still is a very physically and emotionally abusive relationships. You want to forget the bruises, shouting, calls to the police and visits to the doctor. You have put yourself in a superficially blissful state of forgetfulness, denial and often tipsiness.

Now it’s not that you don’t want help, Lord knows you’ve prayed or cried out for it, SCREAMED for it more than once. If one thing this experience has taught you is that God does in fact exist otherwise who have you been talking out loud to all those nights and days? And you DO want to move on, fall in love, and have a healthy relationship, a family, kids, a dog, the whole deal. Really the biggest problem is no one you’ve met really knows how to explain to you how to get out and over it. You are not at fault and you are not going crazy.

Many websites are too politically correct about it with their suggestions of counseling. Or their mottos oversimplify remember, ‘there’s no abuse in love’. Well, if love did not keep you with that man–what did? You can try talking with the people you love… but they see someone so amazing and can’t figure why you’d be with that asshole, they’re hurting too because they want to help but don’t know how. They might even blame themselves and you have enough guilt without having to deal with all that too.

So, how about this let’s put it on the table, let’s talk about it and let’s expose the worst part of life and all its fucked up details. Hopefully talking about it here on this website where everyone with access to the web (and that’s a lot of people) can see it, judge it, support or hate you for it will in some way help you stop being ashamed, stop being scared and stop running away from what you need to face.

WRITING, PARTYING, EATING, READING, DRINKING, AND WHATEVER ELSE IT TAKES TO GET OUT OF AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP- go ahead and do it.  I’m there for you and I think that you are STRONG person for it all- For the love, for the abuse and especially for the survival. Keep going and you will break the cycle and let me say I love and support you for that.

For women in Japan looking for at least one organization that is making a difference check out RESILIENCE Even though the website is in Japanese you can get English language support.  Hit us up at DENTradio@gmail.com for additional information

Saturday, November 6th @FewTweets will be hosting a holiday craft sale in Omotesando and proceeds will benefit this organization.  It’s only 1500 yen and includes snacks so enjoy getting your holiday shopping in early while supporting a great cause at the same time.

Love,

the Tokyo Twilighter

When Do You Let Go? #LadiesRoom

Hi, my name is Joselyn, and I get in fucked up relationships.  ~I sit quietly taking in what I just wrote~

_sigh_ How many of us have been in that situation where you “kind of” like someone but you know you deserve better?  What makes you stay? I know what keeps me around…The want for someone else’s affection even if it’s for a moment.  I have accepted that I am just prone to go for the jerk before I even take a look at the guy that holds doors open and treats me like a queen.  So why do I do it? Sure you can say it is psychological.  I grew up in a home where my mother abused my father physically and verbally on a regular.  They are still together though so it works for them.  Maybe I assumed that this is what “healthy” relationships looked like.  I doubt it though b/c I am not a firm believer in “You are where you came from.”  So why do I do it? I fear being alone. Crazy sounding right?

I would rather be in an abusive relationship that will never be beautiful in any way, shape, or form because the thought of being alone pains me.  

I had to put that statement separate.  I had to glance at it a few times.  I can’t lie I am tempted to end the blog here, but I wont.  See recently, I visited one of the guys that I dated and while I was in his presence, I became sick to my stomach.  I am 26 years old and still settling for things that I settled for in high school.  I reminisced in my mind of the times that I drove him around because I wanted to see him, and he just needed a ride.  The time that he told me that no one would believe me if I told them that he was dating me, because let’s face it…I’m not what he is used to being seen with.  I though about the times that he came over late at night and even though we didn’t have a conversation consisting of more than a greeting; he expected sex.  Now normally, I can sit around and get past my feelings for the want of company.  Not this night.  I was truly disgusted.  Not with him, men will do as much as you allow them to.  I was disgusted with myself.

My life has changed a lot since I broke off my engagement.  I started to live for me and yet I always seem to forget that when I find someone who I want to be with.  They become first.  They become my life.  Meanwhile, the Joselyn inside dies slowly (and painfully, I might add.)

So what happened the other night? I left. I went home, sat in my empty bed, and watched movies alone.  It felt GREAT!  I didn’t feel like I sold my soul for some companionship.  Honestly, I am just over pleasing my INsignificant other while I sit around hoping to have some reciprocation in the end.   (Besides, the sex was wack!)

So when do you give up?  At what point during dating do you say, “Yeah, so…you’re definitely NOT what I want. Goodbye?”