When Do You Let Go? #LadiesRoom

Hi, my name is Joselyn, and I get in fucked up relationships.  ~I sit quietly taking in what I just wrote~

_sigh_ How many of us have been in that situation where you “kind of” like someone but you know you deserve better?  What makes you stay? I know what keeps me around…The want for someone else’s affection even if it’s for a moment.  I have accepted that I am just prone to go for the jerk before I even take a look at the guy that holds doors open and treats me like a queen.  So why do I do it? Sure you can say it is psychological.  I grew up in a home where my mother abused my father physically and verbally on a regular.  They are still together though so it works for them.  Maybe I assumed that this is what “healthy” relationships looked like.  I doubt it though b/c I am not a firm believer in “You are where you came from.”  So why do I do it? I fear being alone. Crazy sounding right?

I would rather be in an abusive relationship that will never be beautiful in any way, shape, or form because the thought of being alone pains me.  

I had to put that statement separate.  I had to glance at it a few times.  I can’t lie I am tempted to end the blog here, but I wont.  See recently, I visited one of the guys that I dated and while I was in his presence, I became sick to my stomach.  I am 26 years old and still settling for things that I settled for in high school.  I reminisced in my mind of the times that I drove him around because I wanted to see him, and he just needed a ride.  The time that he told me that no one would believe me if I told them that he was dating me, because let’s face it…I’m not what he is used to being seen with.  I though about the times that he came over late at night and even though we didn’t have a conversation consisting of more than a greeting; he expected sex.  Now normally, I can sit around and get past my feelings for the want of company.  Not this night.  I was truly disgusted.  Not with him, men will do as much as you allow them to.  I was disgusted with myself.

My life has changed a lot since I broke off my engagement.  I started to live for me and yet I always seem to forget that when I find someone who I want to be with.  They become first.  They become my life.  Meanwhile, the Joselyn inside dies slowly (and painfully, I might add.)

So what happened the other night? I left. I went home, sat in my empty bed, and watched movies alone.  It felt GREAT!  I didn’t feel like I sold my soul for some companionship.  Honestly, I am just over pleasing my INsignificant other while I sit around hoping to have some reciprocation in the end.   (Besides, the sex was wack!)

So when do you give up?  At what point during dating do you say, “Yeah, so…you’re definitely NOT what I want. Goodbye?”

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About SLOWLYbtngU
Honey, if I knew anything about me...I can tell you I wouldnt be blogging. I'd be doing whatever it is that I was good at. Oh wait...it's blogging.

3 Responses to When Do You Let Go? #LadiesRoom

  1. Quest says:

    Joy you are a super human like myself and a few others. We hope deez mere mortals will one day realize they fukkin wit a monsta but they will neva get it. I dont wanna say a life of solitude is our design and purpose but we are the chess playas and deez insignificant fuks are the pieces. Expect nuffin but what they was designed for in return.

    • SLOWLYbtngU says:

      The sad thing is that this has been a vicious circle for me..Every single time I date.

      The sad thing is that the nice guys are still around and i say that I am going to date them, and I do sometimes…But then I am back to what I know.

  2. Pingback: #DomesticViolence #YouDeserveBetter « #HashtagMag

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